Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You’re in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He’s a cross dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
Bad: Your wife’s leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.
Ugly: To enter a convent.
Bad: You can’t find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter “borrowed” it.
Bad: Your wife’s arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You’re arrested.
Worse: By your husband.
Good: The teacher likes your son.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.
Ugly: So did the postman.
Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter’s the headliner.
Good: Your boyfriend’s exercising.
Bad: So he’ll fit in your clothes.
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.
Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She’s coming home.
Good: Your wife’s not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She’s a lawyer
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son’s finally maturing
Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: The postman’s early
Bad: He’s wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.
Bad: Your son’s involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.
Good: You get a three-day weekend.
Bad: You get the flu on Friday.
Good: You get tickets to the theater.
Bad: It’s performance art.
Good: Your car conveniently “runs out of gas.”
Bad: For real.
Good: Your child’s “waiting for Mr. Right”.
Bad: Your son, that is.
Good: Your son’s doing extra credit work.
Bad: Making a sex-ed video.
Good: Your wife bought a porn video.
Bad: Your daughter’s the star.
Good: Your wife’s kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It’s triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago
Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It’s another man
Ugly: He’s your best friend
Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do