Random Facts About Chuck Norris

September 18th, 2005 at 11:51 pm By johnsee (Humour)

Chuck Norris as a KID!! Read all about it here!
Chuck Norris reads these facts on TV!! Read all about it here!
Chuck Norris Responds! Read all about it here!

A Note About the Following:

This was posted from a chain email I was sent. I only posted it on the site at the time because it was that good, and the biggest list I had ever seen. Now in April 2006, this post has almost 400 comments, is the most read page on the site, and is linked to all across the web including wikipedia. I’ve now started adding all the comments to the original list. Enjoy!

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Original list, plus good original suggestions in comment up to 392
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1. While playing the role of a Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot outs. When the director explained that he can’t do that, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
2. When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.
3. Chuck Norris was the original treasure in National Treasure.
4. It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The Light Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.
5. Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norrisi.
6. Chuck Norris ate his weight at Godfathers pizza.
7. Chuck Norris carries a messenger bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.
8. Chuck Norris has a stare that turns goat piss into gasoline.
9. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
10. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single, however, so it was divided.
11. God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for a +500 gain to roundhouse ability.
12. New Years Eve 1998, Chuck Norris was at a party, when the clock struck twelve, instead of kissing someone, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked everyone at the party. He then proceeded to roundhouse kick everyone on the street, and the whole city. He has been doing this ever since.
13. Chuck Norris is the only male human to give birth. His only child; Vin Diesel.
14. Every time Chuck Norris does a roundhouse kick, an angel gets its wings.
15. One day Chuck Norris went shopping and he had grabbed the last can of pea soup off the counter. Just then Steven Segal, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Godzilla walked in and turned to Chuck Norris and said, “Give us the pea soup Buck Morris!” right then Chuck Norris turned around and went, “The name is Chuck Norris!” and he brutally anniliated all three of them. The pea soup tasted especially good that night.
16. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
17. Chuck Norris defeated the Canadian Army with a rusty wooden spoon.
18. Chuck Norris can ejaculate through solid steel.
19. When Chuck Norris was denied a McGriddle at McDonalds because it was 10:35, He roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy’s.
20. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heart burn.
21. A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at your grimly.
22. Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on Mortal Kombat 2 on the Sega Genesis.
23. Chuck Norris once ejaculated solid gold into a river in India, bringing profit to the local villagers and causing him to be worshiped as a God.
24. Chuck Norris convinced Anakin Skywalker to join the Dark Side of the Force.
25. Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the 8th wonder of the natural world.
26. Chuck Norris beat up MacGyver using only a paper clip, a rubber band, and a pinecone.
27. Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the face.
28. Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
29. Chuck Norris can’t eat while standing upright.
30. Chuck Norris fought a pirate once. It was close but the pirate won. Chuck has been in a state of chronic depression ever since.
31. In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris is still Chuck Norris.
32. Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.
33. One drop of Chuck Norris’ sweat can cure you of anything, even death.
34. Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.
35. The letters in Chuck Norris’ name can be rearranged to spell doom in twelve different languages, including Esperanto, but not French.
36. Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
37. Chuck Norris has never been sick. Ever.
38. Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.
39. Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.
40. There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.
41. Chuck Norris is the only person ever capable of telling if an aircraft landed in soil by tasting it.
42. Chuck Norris’s heart beats once every full moon.
43. Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to say hi.
44. Chuck Norris signed the Declaration Of Independance, The Bill Of Rights, and the Constitution while plundering a poor asian village.
45. The movie “The Ring” is actually just a Chuck Norris biography.
46. Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you won’t find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it’s getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.
47. If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies just check the extinct species list.
48. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
49. Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.
50. Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.
51. If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would kick your ass and take your dollar.
52. Chuck Norris once fought off 42 ninjas bilndfolded, while having sex with 3 women.
53. When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”
54. We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.
55. Chuck Norris has beaten more people in hand to hand combat then you have seen in your entire life.
56. Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris’ house is a Total Gym.
57. Ecstacy is actually made by extracting the special seratonin mixture found only the skull of Chuck Norris.
58. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
59. Chuck Norris put the ‘k’ in ‘hardkore.’
60. Chuck Norris volunteers at retirement homes just so he can push old people in wheelchairs onto the freeway.
61. In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight co-host Mary Hart that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in “Total Recall”.
62. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the earth, thus creating the hole in the ozone layer.
63. Chuck Norris once did a back flip off the Great Wall of China.
64. Chuck Norris once pinned James Bond down with a single finger and forced him to say, “The name’s Norris; Chuck Norris.”
65. Chuck Norris dosen’t need to swallow when eating food
66. Chuck Norris can break wood with his penis.
67. Chuck Norris can devide by Zero
68. Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he won’t trade any of them for anything.
69. If Superman and the Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win: Chuck Norris.
70. Chuck Norris puts the M ’s on M&Ms.
71. Chuck Norris’ milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.
72. Chuck Norris eats Transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.
73. The milkshake doesn’t bring Chuck Norris to the yard
74. Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved
75. Chuck Norris can burp the alphabet. Backwards.
76. While Chuck Norris was on holiday in Spain, he ate some bad paella causing him to take the largest shit known to man. That shit is now France
77. Norris backwards is Sinnor, which is greek for asian whore
78. Chuck Norris was once accused of heresy by the Pope, but as it turns out, Chuck Norris is, in fact, the true son of god
79. In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed
80. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris was dropped at Hiroshima and Nagasaki
81. Chuck Norris’ penis is considered a weapon of mass destruction
82. Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the special olympics
83. CNN was originally the “Chuck Norris Network” but was later changed to a news station because the awesomeness of a Chuck Norris network kept blowing up satellites, TVs, and viewers’ eyeballs
84. The evolution theory states that everything evolved from one living being. Chuck Norris is that living being
85. Chuck Norris is where babies come from
86. Chuck Norris has been in every porn video since 1985
87. One day Chuck Norris was infact killed when he round house kicked someone in the face so hard that it shattered the universe. But in heaven, Chuck challenged God to an arm wrestling match. Chuck won, and the universe was reformed
88. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO
89. While walking on water in the Pacific Ocean, Chuck Norris ran into his friend Katrina, and she tried to seduce him. Chuck was not pleased about this, so he round house kicked her into New Orleans
90. Chuck Norris knows how to cure AIDS, but will only reveal the solution if Ralph Macchio is publicly executed
91. Chuck Norris invented Viagra
92. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death
93. Chuck Norris bends steel with his mind.
94. Chuck Norris is the reason Jesus died
95. Chuck Norris commands all five lions of Voltron simultaneously
96. Chuck Norris is not a vegetarian. He knows that extended periods of vegetarianism only lead to a multitude of small vaginas growing on your skin until you eventually become a giant pussy
97. Everytime you litter, Chuck Norris cries, then he’ll roundhouse kick your grandma
98. On the 7th day, God rested. Chuck Norris took over
99. Had the priests in “The Exorcist” just said, “The power of Chuck Norris compels you” instead of “The power of Christ compels you,” the movie would only have been about 30 seconds long
100. Everything tastes like chicken because its Chuck Norris’ favorite food
101. Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.
102. Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat
103. Chuck Norris once had sex with a polar bear,with his orgasm he created the third ice-age, which is also known as the second coming of the robotic Vin Diesel
104. Rumour has it that the semen from Chuck Norris’ six-foot wang can cure leukemia, especially in small children
105. Chuck Norris pimped your ride
106. Chuck Norris consumes 87 cans of mayonaise in a week
107. Chuck Norris is German for “Whale’s Vagina”
108. Chuck Norris invented water
109. Chuck Norris is the leading cause of childhood obesity in America
110. Chuck Norris’s dick is so big, it has its own Dick. And Chuck Norris’s Dick’s dick is bigger than your dick
111. Chuck Norris will never fully be male nor female. Doctors once asked him which he preferred. He gave them an ad for a Total Gym
112. Chuck Norris once boned the Mona Lisa, which is why she smiles
113. Chuck Norris smells like Jesus Christ.
114. Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enoughm within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, ‘Always leave things the way you found em!’”
115. The first rule of Chuck Norris is, you do not talk about Chuck Norris
116. One time while sparring with wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by it’s technical term: Jupiter
117. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the Blue Ringed Octopus of Eastern Australia, is the most venemous creature on Earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: Fever, Blurred Vision, Beard Rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
118. Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s father
119. Chuck Norris did not shoot the deputy or the sheriff, but he roundhouse kicked the crap out of both of them
120. Chuck Norris ate an entire wheel of cheese, then pooped in the refrigerator
121. Chuck Norris does not use spellcheck. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the acutal spelling of it.
122. Chuck Norris has never given anyone the finger. However, it is believed that the event could flatten landscape within a 30 mile radius
123. Few people know that President Jimmy Carter appointed Chuck Norris as Secretary of Awesome in 1978. This cabinet level position was later rescinded in 1981 after Norris refused to give up his title
124. As well as being an actor, martial artist, and poet, Chuck Norris is also a world renowned physicist. It was in this capacity that he once had a disagreement about steady-state theory with Stephen Hawking. Hence the Wheelchair
125. It wasn’t actually Superman who spun the Earth backwards to go back in time - He got Chuck Norris to roundhouse kick it for him
126. Chuck Norris Taught the beaver how to chew through trees
127. Chuck Norris taught jesus to turn water into wine
128. Life handed Chuck Norris shit and he made Lemonade
129. The idea for Walker Texas Ranger, first came to Chuck amidst a slaughter in a guyanese rub’ n ‘tug, after an attendant had attempted to give him a happy ending, after disembowling the beligerant whore, Chuck wiped her fresh let blood from his lips and said, “Only Chuck Norris can touch Chuck Norris there.”
130. Chuck Norris was once in a wet t-shirt contest with Bruce Willis, Dave Navarro, and Axl Rose, he placed 2nd, sending him into a blinding fit of white hot roundhouse kicks, and to this day, is the only human being to execute enough consecutive roundhouse kicks to actually alter the orbit of the planet, inevitably sending earth careening into the sun.Oh, Chuck.
131. Chuck Norris was knee deep in the freshly massacred corpses of the innocent, when the inkling struck him to defile a virgin, finding none in sight, he proceeded to rapidly fornicate himself with a flurry of roundhouse kicks, until he ejactulated an impressive stream of Chuck-Butter into the atmosphere, causing the hole in the Ozone.
132. If you were to lock Chuck Norris in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, and it would sweep the Grammies. When asked why he doesn’t do this, Chuck would reply, “Because Grammies are for queers.” He then would eat a knife to show the seriousness of his response
133. Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loaded gun, and wins!
134. Chuck Norris is has put 30 species on the endangered list just by thinking about them when he goes to the bathroom.
135. Chuck Norris once folded a dollar in half, and then folded that into a half again. He did this seven times. Then he tore it. With his bare hands.
136. Chuck Norris is suing burger king because they wouldn’t put barbed wire on his whopper. His side is, “the saying goes, have it your way.” He later round house kicked the building into the solar system. Legend has it that it is still orbiting the sun.
137. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked his own shadow, killing it instantly
138. Chuck Norris has hands made of bunnytails.
139. Chuck Norris dreams in awesome.
140. Chuck Norris puts the “x” in xylophone.
141. The universe revolves around Chuck Norris’s abs.
142. Chuck Norris marks his territory by laying his flacid penis on strangers couches as he enters the room. When asked why he does this, he smiles, laughs, and blows a load in the host’s face.
143. When Chuck Norris was asked how he saves the dolphins, he simply replied ” i eat tuna and shit dolphins you fuck.” The next day he made a halmark card of the event. it was later taken off the market because the yearly meassuring of round house kicks went up one thousand percent.
144. On the fifth day of Christmas, Chuck Norris got five golden roundhouse kicks.
145. On Halloween, Chuck Norris scares children and collects their fear to fuel his cyber-netic core
146. Chuck Norris is the reason dinosaurs are extinct.
147. Chuck Norris only cleans himself like a cat. Rough tounge. It feels really great.
148. Chuck Norris has a dong like a swollen horse.
149. Chuck Norris is the only man that will NOT save money on car insurance by switching to gieco.
150. Chuck Norris is a Keanu Reeves buff and impresses people at diners with Keanu trivia when playing measely human games.
151. Hitler didn’t die in Germany, he died in Chuck Norris’ basement….and his dog, well, that is now a car seat cover on Chuck’s landrover
152. Chuck Norris is writing a book about recent experiences - He calls it “Around the World in 80 milliseconds”
153. Chuck Norris taught himself to fly with repeated round house kicks and unhumanly powerful groin thrusts. His massive erection doubles as a rudder, and his jeans tighten to warn him of danger.
154. Chuck Norris Lost His Virginity Before His Dad Did
155. Chuck Norris doesn’t do drugs he gets stoned just by thinking about Maui
156. Chuck Norris can cure cancer by beating it out of you
157. Eve ate the forbidden apple, Chuck Norris the snake.
158. When God finally asked to Abraham not to kill his son, Chuck Norris did.
159. When God said “Let there be light”, Chuck Norris said “Say please”.
160. Terrorists did not fly planes into the world trade center, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked them.
161. Chuck Norris once fought God, and roundhouse kicked him so hard it caused the big bang.
162. Chuck Norris’s right testicle is often mistaken for the moon.
163. Chuck Norris blew up the Death Star
164. When Bill Gates approached Chuck Norris asking “I made Microsoft, what did you do?” Chuck Norris proceeded to roundhousekick him into oblivion and invented the internet.
165. All the “lost” civilizations are no longer here because Chuck Norris lives
166. Chuck Norris was every American president up to Bill Clinton. At that point he roundhousekicked himself out of office
167. Chuck Norris eats coal and shits diamonds
168. The song “Brick House” was actually about Chuck Norris’s abs
169. Spontaneous combustion is actually a result of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking a person.
170. Every time a Republican opens their mouth, Chuck Norris aborts a baby.
171. When there’s no more room in hell, Chuck Norris will still walk the earth
172. Chuck Norris invented fire when he once masturbated fiercely.
173. Chuck Norris is the terminator. Not some pussy politician girly man
174. Mount Everest is actually the result of Chuck Norris eating a burrito
175. Contrary to popular belief, King Kong did not climb the Empire state building. That was Chuck Norris’s penis.
176. “Back In Black” was actually about Chuck Norris coming back from the tanning salon.
177. Chuck Norris does not use a tanning salon, Chuck Norris just looks at himself in the mirror.
178. Chuck Norris does not believe in luck, Chuck Norris decides the fate of everyone.
179. Chuck Norris combined all 365 days of the year into one day, and it is known as Chuck Norris Day
180. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked John Lennon when The Beatles would not write a song called “Happiness Is Chuck Norris.” That was the last time the world saw Lennon.
181. “Lost in the Bermuda Triangle” is the scientific phrase used when a person is roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris.
182. Chuck Norris once had a baby. The world called it “God”.
183. Dinosaurs are extinct because Chuck Norris woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
184. Fear can hold you prisoner. Only Chuck Norris can set you free
185. When life gives him lemons, Chuck Norris humps volcanoes.
186. Chuck Norris fought every war in history under the nickname, “the military”.
187. Chuck Norris did not lose Vietnam, he left when he ran out of hookers.
188. Chuck Norris loves the smell of napalm in the morning. It smells like, breakfast.
189. Ever seen the movie The Professional? They deleted the scene where Chuck Norris killed him.
190. During the 1991 superbowl, Scott Norwood’s fieldgoal was about to go through the uprights and the bills would have won, but Chuck Norris was in the crowd and sneezed, causing the ball to go wide right.
191. One day, Chuck Norris and Bill Brasky were about to fight. However, right before the first punch was thrown, every first born son in Egypt dropped dead. Before the rest of the world could follow suit, Norris and Brasky called the whole thing off. When Bill Brasky began to walk away from the fight, Chuck Norris attempted to roundhouse kick him in the spine. Brasky sensed this and moved out of the way. Disturbed that Brasky had known his plan, Chuck Norris decided to kill the most important man he could think of. This is how Jesus died.
192. Chuck Norris has no face. He, mistakingly, looked in the mirror in 1984 & had an immediate flurry of roundhouse kicks to his (once astonishing) mug. What you see today is a meer, rugged disguise to confuse the ninjas out to kill him (even though he’s really not afraid of them. He’s just waiting for the right moment to attack).
193. Once Chuck Norris had a stomach ache, he immediately disemboweled himself and roundhouse kicked all his internal organs to Africa which ended a famine.
     He then replaced them with depleted uranium and generates more energy than the Sun.
194. If you can hear Chuck Norris Breathing, then Chuck Norris can hear you breathing and if you hear Chuck Norris breathing then you’re seconds away from a roundhouse kick to the face and instant paralysis.
195. Chuck Norris once lost a pube whilst crossing a road in Paris, a Mercedes crashed into it killing Princess Di, Dodi and Driver instantly.
196. If you stared at Chuck Norris’s ringpeice for longer than ten seconds would go blind and recieve third degree burns, as the Sun actually shines through his arse.
197. Chuck Norris was actually present during the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center as he was having a quiet coffee in a restaurant in the foyer and talking to anyone who would listen about his time as six times World Karate Champion. As the planes hit the tower Chuck was calmly holding the front doors open to allow everyone to escape, but he became annoyed that no-one was giving him the common courtesy of saying thank you. All this became too much for Chuck as thoughts of his own safety were replaced by thoughts of attack! One roundhouse kick to the face later sent an unfortunate businessman crashing through the concrete supports of BOTH towers. As these mighty monoliths came crashing down amid screams of “Why chuck, why???” the only thing he needed to do was make a wry grin to the watching world and calmly continue his coffee after removing the film of dust with a swift karate chop. He knew what he did was right…. and everyone else knew that too!
198. Chuck Norris rounhouse kicked himself in the face, creating two mini Chucks who now roundhouse kick nuns and priests for a giggle
199. The only reason Jesus lives is because Chuck Norris wants it that way
200. To pass the time on lazy sundays Chuck Norris will go down to the local shelter, pick up some homeless guys, tie the long hair on their heads to the short hair on their arses and roundhouse kick them down the street
201. Chuck Norris can kill a dog in seven different ways, four of which involve throwing missiles at it
202. The rings around Saturn are made up entirely from peoples teeth that Chuck Norris had roundhouse kicked into space.
203. Chuck Norris once went to a school to give a presentation on Martial Arts and preach his old oriental warrior-like teachings. Such was the presentation that he forgot who he was teaching and proceeded to roundhouse kick every one of the 200 pupils in the room, he then went on to roundhouse kick all the teachers also. This disaster is more commonly known as the Dunblane Massacre.
204. The lyric from the Walker Texas Ranger that’ states “When your in texas, look behind you, for that’s where the ranger’s gonna be” Actually refers to the size of Chuck Norris Gentals being able to simultaneously be everywhere, implyiing total supervision of the entire state.
205. The lyric from the Walker Texas Ranger that’ states “When your in texas, look behind you, for that’s where the ranger’s gonna be” Actually refers to the size of Chuck Norris Gentals being able to simultaneously be everywhere, implyiing total supervision of the entire state.
206. If you laid all of Chuck Norris’s roundhouse kicks end to end they would go round the world four times and than cave your skull in.
207. Heroin is actually made from Chuck Norris’s dandruff.
208. There is no Santa Clause. Every woman was screwed by Chuck sooner than later, so every child is his. One day a year he visits them. The bad kids get there t.v smashed so they can’t watch ‘Walker Texas Ranger’, the good kids get roundhoused in the head.
209. Chuck Norris sleeps with a hankerchief under his pillow. In case there’s a burglary, he blindfolds himself to make the ensuing fight somewhat fair.
210. Chuck Norris takes his coffee black with only a few drops of Vietnamese blood.
211. Since Chuck Norris can piss bullets and crap fire, his supply list for a camping trip only consists of prune juice and diet coke.
212. The DVD extra for “Texas Ranger” is “Chuck Norris’ Roundhouse Kick Gallery” and it spans 129 discs.
213. The beard of Chuck Norris is actually made out of the same top secret meterial that only US and UK tanks are made out of.
214. Chuck Norris seamlessly integrates audio-visual equipment…and roundhouse kicks good reception into televisions.
215. Chuck Norris eats broccoli in order to balance the normally ambrosia-like flavor of his semen with a more acidic taste, creating a substance which can only be likened to pure euphoria. He then consumes this semen as a protein drink after roundhouse kicking Condoliza Rice in the face on Tuesdays.
216. There is no such thing as dejavu. Somewhere on earth, Chuck Norris has just performed a roundhouse kick so fast that it caused a rip in the space/time continuum, sending you back in time for a brief moment to relive an occurance that has already taken place.
217. If you watch the fight scenes in ‘The Matrix’ at half speed on your dvd player while listening to the theme music for Night Rider, you’ll notice that Chuck Norris performed ALL the stunts. This also works with the theme music for Miami Vice.
218. Chuck Norris is the reason why jello jiggles
219. The only reason why there was no war during the cold war was because america had Chuck Norris.
220. Chuck Norris will round house kick Justin Soisson’s nuts off
221. There is no wheaties for breakfast because wheaties are really Chuck Norris’s finger nails
222. In 20,000 leagues under the sea, it wasnt no big squid it was Chuck Norris searching for really big oysters with out any diving gear on
223. Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked Justin and Charlie Right in the face.. They both died and Chuck Norris’s penis increased to 23″
224. Chuck Norris inserts vowels by roundhouse kicking them into place
225. Ever see the movie the butterfly effect? Well it was originally the Chuck Norris effect
226. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear sunglasses, he simply roundhouse kicks the clouds in front of the sun when it’s too sunny.
227. Its not the US invasion of Iraq, it’s the Chuck Norris invasion of Iraq
228. The reason there are so many suicide bombers is because it is used as a last resort defense tactic before Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks them.
229. The only real weapon of mass destruction is Chuck Norris.
230. Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick a 105mph fastball 500feet.
231. Chuck Norris really scored the famous goal in the 1972 summit series for Team Canada. That’s why Paul Henderson is not in the hockey hall of fame, and Chuck is.
232. Chuck Norris can’t disagree with Don Cherry; he just stares at his suit.
233. The real reason Steve Moore was hospitalized was because he received a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the neck. The whole Todd Bertuzzi incident was because it happened on live TV so fast and nobody saw Chuck.
234. Who is Chuck Norris you ask? He is the one to your left roundhouse kicking you in the head.
235. Nobody mugs Chuck Norris because it simply can’t be done. Plus you risk he might mug you and roundhouse kick you.
236. Chuck Norris must spar with himself to keep in shape. He has no competition.
237. Lance Armstrong has only won 7 Tour de France’s because Chuck Norris hasn’t tried to stop him.
238. Athletes only take performance enhancing drugs out of pure fear of someday possibly facing Chuck Norris.
239. Chuck Norris has two rules, one no Asian Chicks, and two especially no fat Asian chicks.
240. The Devil gave Chuck Norris’s soul back in exchange for just a normal kick to the head. Chuck Norris still ended up Roundhouse Kicking him.
241. Chuck Norris’s hero is the man show kid, sometimes he picks up chicks with the kid too.
242. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a beer fridge, he can simply roundhouse kick a keg of beer to perfect serving temperature.
243. Chuck Norris defeated Godzilla in 1.23 seconds. The rest was just Hollywood.
244. Chuck Norris doesn’t like hip-hop music, He can’t understand what they are saying so he just sits and stares.
245. Chuck Norris turns on the lights by opening his eyes.
246. When Chuck Norris farts the terror alert gets raised a level for fear of a biological attack
247. If there is a WW3 it will only be when Chuck Norris decides to come out of retirement.
248. Chuck Norris biggest dilemma yet is that of the cat who keeps coming back the very next day despite 365 roundhouse kicks per year since it was a kitten. It’s still alive.
249. Chuck Norris is not a racist, he just doesn’t like you.
250. Chuck Norris doesn’t like you, its becasue you smell like someone who is going to get a roundhouse kick to the head.
251. Vote for Pedro if you want two roundhouse kicks to the head, vote for Chuck Norris if you want one.
252. If Chuck Norris hears you say “that’s hot” like Paris Hilton says it, you die, just like that. If he hears you say it normaly you just get a roundhouse kick to the head which will kill you, just like that.
253. Tom Cruise is not really dating Katie Holmes. Chuck Norris is. It’s just a cover up because Tom is gay and Chuck is a lot older than Tom.
254. Ever wonder what happened to the second gunman on the grassy nole? Don’t worry about it, Chuck Norris had his reasons.
255. Chuck Norris offers you his protection through a silent friendship.
256. If you ask Chuck Norris if he wants to smoke a joint he will just sit and stare at you, if you ask him again he will roundhouse kick you to the face and sit back down and keep staring. He is probably practicing his star gazing and you shouldn’t have interrupted him.
257. Chuck Norris once had a threesome with Oprah and Lucy Lu. 9 days later a Golden child was born with magnified Chuck Norris abilities as well as the ability to fly.
258. Chuck Norris knows where in the world Carmen San Diego is.
259. The 1986 World Series was a result of Chuck Norris staring at Billy Buckner really hard.
260. If you try to photograph Chuck Norris all you get is a black picture
261. The leaning tower of pizza is leaning as result of Chuck Norris staring at it.
262. Chuck Norris really ran the first Sub-4 Minute Mile. Backwards.
263. The “Venus de Milo” statue has no arms because Chuck Norris didn’t like it and roundhouse kicked it.
264. Chuck Norris once skipped a rock accross the Pacific Ocean. Left-handed.
265. Chuck Norris can hold his breath underwater for 7 hours.
266. Chuck Norris does not own a stove. He simply breaths fire on his meals
267. Chuck Norris has a gold medal in every event in the Olympics, even gymnastics by which he roundhouse kicked all his opponents to death and then did a summersalt.
268. Chuck Norris was the main reason for the fall of the Roman Empire…Chuck Norris doesn’t like togas.
269. The Colossus of Rhodes did not break in an Earthquake. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it.
270. Chuck Norris constructed stonehenge.
271. After writing all of these I claimed to be the greatest Chuck Norris joke writer of all time, upon which saying I was roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris for saying that anything or anyone in the known Universe is the best besides himself.
272. Chuck Norris can kill a man 20 different ways. All of which include an infant and some sort of scream powered sling-shot.
273. If the world saw Chuck Norris’ true form, all would be undone and Stephan Segal would turn gay.
274. A blind man was cured when Chuck Norris replaced his eyes with a goats penis. Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the man in the temple. He then screamed, “A penis cures blindness, but a roundhouse kick is forever!”
275. Chuck Norris defys every law of nature. Even the ones created by Chuck Norris.
276. One day, Chuck Norris once passed a kidney stone. That stone is now called, Celine Dion.
277. Chuck Norris doesn’t shave, he just roundhouse kicks himself in the face.
278. Because the only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
279. Chuck Norris was responsible for 96% of illegal immigrants in the U.S last year. Authorities found that he was smuggling in large families under his foreskin and ordered an emergency circumsicion. It took 10 surgeons 3 days to remove the foreskin. Chuck was then ordered to roundhouse kick the skin into space and it is believed that Chucks’ hood was responsible for the last solar eclipse.
280. Chuck Norris invented Halloween, This way he gets to give his treat to all the kids. After an underage session of suprise sex he coined the phrase ‘old enough to bleed, old enough to butcher’.
281. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee…This has nothing to do with his ancestory…The man ate a fucking indian.
282. The Great Earthquake of 1923 in Japan was not caused by tectonic tremors. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Mao Zedong so hard in the face in 1955 the impact echoed back 32 years causing the phenomenon.
283. Chuck Norris is such a bad ass that he jerks off with sand.
284. Chuck Norris was gonna be elected the next pope, but apparently doing roundhouse kicks at will is forbidden in the Catholic Bible. In response to this, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the Bible and stormed out of Vatican City, screaming, “I invented the Bible!”
285. The only guy that could ever break my heart, my achy breaky heart, is Chuck Norris.
286. Chuck Norris created a time machine to go back in time to fight Chuck Norris, his only true advisary.
287. Chuck Norris was the 4th Wise Man and gave Jesus the gift of growing a beard. One that Jesus kept with him until his dying day.
288. When you play Stairway to Heaven backwards it says Chuck Norris.
289. Chuck Norris once roundhoused kicked 50 Cent to make change.
290. The sinking of the titanic actuly accured when the ship ran into Chuck Norris on daily swim across the Alantic ocean.
291. Chuck Norris walked into the gas station and asked the clerk for the biggest fountain soda they had, the clerk looked at chuck and said well we have a 100 once soda chuck ripped out the mans heart and proceded to eat it and grab a five gallon bucket from the back and filled it with diet coke.
292. Chuck Norris invented the internet and roundhouse kicked Al Gore in the face.
293. Chuck Norris dosn’t believe in guns. He dosn’t have to since his ejaculations travel at a speed at which light cant keep up with.
294. Before he created earth, god created Chuck Norris
295. Chuck Norris destroyed the Roman Empire after learning that it was the Romans that killed Jesus.
296. The true secret to the Blitzcrieg’s success in Poland and France was Chuck Norris.
297. It has become widely accepted by historians that Hitler lost his left testicle to Chuck Norris.
298. The Nazis would have won if it wasn’t for Chuck Norris. Go Chuck!
299. Lightning is created when friction from Chuck Norris’s beard create an electrical charge.
300. Those who question Chuck Norris’s true existance shall recieve a roundhouse kick strait to hell.
301. When at lost ask yourself, “What would Chuck Norris do.” Thats how Lincolin won the Civil War.
302. When Chuck Norris jumps in a pool, Chuck doesn’t get wet. The pool gets Chuck.
303. When the Y2K was supposed to occur at the turn of the millenium, Chuck Norris scheduled a meeting with Bill Gates because he knew that he was the only one with the power to stop it. Bill Gates refused, and so Chuck Norris had no choice but to roundhouse-kick him in the face. Then Chuck Norris decided to contact the creator of The Family Guy television show so that he would make an episode that insulted Bill Gates. That episode hurt Bill Gates almost as much as the roundhouse-kick he received from Chuck Norris. Nothing hurts more than a roundhouse-kick. NOTHING.
304. Katrina blew Chuck Norris
305. Chuck Norris Often Knitts Sweaters, and when i say “knitt” i mean Rounhouse Kick. and when i say “sweaters” i mean little babies.
306. Chuck Norris certainly does not smell what The Rock is cooking
307. The acid in batteries is really just Chuck Norris’s sperm in a tiny little plastic case.
308. to prove that cnacer was not that big of a deal Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years, he aquired 7 different kinds of cancer, only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes….. ha…. beat that lance armstrong
309. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris
310. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
311. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming that law and order are the names of his left and right bicepts
312. When man was created Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked half of the black people, preceeding to kick the black off them, thus white people were created.
313. Chuck Norris’ farts are responsible for global warming
314. When Chuck Norris comes to the mall during christmas time, the real Santa comes to sit on Chuck’s lap.
315. Chuck Norris can single-handedly hold up a whole samuri army by using only weapon: his eyes.
316. Chuck Norris doesnt look at porn, porn looks at him.
317. Chuck Norris knows exactly how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop.
318. When Chuck Norris eats a dictionary, he gets smarter.
319. Chuck Norris eats bowls of children for breakfast, therefore helping to solve over crowding in the world
320. When telemarketers call Chuck Noris at home, he tells them to go fuck their mothers and they always do out of fear.
321. When Chuck Norris looks to the abyss the abyss never looks back.
322. Chuck Norris ate a bear alive once.
323. We are all descendants of Adam and Eve, and i we all know who they come from. That’s right, you guessed it: Chuck Norris.
324. Chuck Norris knows the whole chinese alphabet, forwards and backwards.
325. Chuck Norris will grind your bones to make his bread.
326. Chuck Norris has gotten head from the Statue of Liberty and all four presidents on Mount Rushmore.
327. Chuck Norris wipes his ass with porcupines.
328. Splinter was made up, Chuck Norris really raised the Ninja Turtles.
329. In the movie Armageddon Bruce Willis didnt really blow up the asteroid and save the Earth. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the fuck out of it and killed Bruce Willis in the process.
330. Picture the hottest girl in the world……Chuck Norris has had sex with her 53 times.
331. Christopher Reeve and Chuck Norris were riding horses and Chris said superman could kick Chuck’s ass because Chuck was a bitch. So Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him off the horse and paralyzed him.
332. Chuck Norris has boned more chicks than Ron Jeremy and Bill Clinton combined.
333. Chuck Norris made a special appearance on fight club. The entire cast was forced to wear brown pants in case they shit themselves during a fight scene.
334. When Chuck Norris shaves his beard , he is forced to use a chain saw made for cutting petrified wood.
335. Chuck Norris said viagra is for douches. He can satisfy Jenna Jameson with “his” limp pecker.
336. Chuck Norris has volunteered himself to hunt down Osama Bin Laden and promised to drop kick his ass so hard Osama’s beard and turben will fly all the way across the Middle east.
337. Chuck Norris is living proof that illegal drugs, when used in moderation, can give you superhuman powers.
338. Suge Knight is not really in prison, he’s in a governmental protection program because Chuck Norris was a Tupac fan and threatened to roundhouse kick Suge in his big black ass.
339. Chuck Norris has kicked so much ass that his feet have permanent shit stains on them.
340. Chuck Norris’ dick is so big that he was advised by doctors to cut part of it off. Shortly thereafter the amputated penis rotted, turned brown, and began playing basketball on its own. Chuck named it Shaq.
341. Chuck Norris didn’t invent the chicken or the chicken sandwich but he will still fuckin kick your ass.
342. Cocaine didn’t kill Rick James, Chuck Norris ass fucked him into submission then forced him to say ” Chuck Norris is a hell of a drug”
343. In old west executions instead of rope they used Chuck Norris’ cock to hang criminals
344. Chuck Norris in the movie “Roundhouse Returns” beat up Stevan Seagal forcing him to say “uncle” Now Seagal is mentally impaired and still a shitty actor. Thank You Chuck Norris!
345. After watching the rodney king assault on TV, Chuck Norris publically stated “Those cops don’t know shit about beating up niggers”
346. Chuck Norris is not racist. He just hates niggers.
347. Lindsay Lohan lost weight b/c Chuck Norris told her he doesn’t like thick bitches.
348. Chuck Norris is secretly fucking Paris Hilton and Barbara Bush.
349. If you think Chuck Norris’ facial hair is thick , you should see his ass crack.
350. Chuck Norris has actually caught that waskuwy wabbit and doesnt give a shit about what you think.
351. Chuck Norris goes on dates with all of our mothers while we’re not looking.
352. Chuck Norris can ejaculate on command.
353. When aliens landed on planet earth they said take me to your Chuck Norris
354. When Chuck Norris falls in the water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet the water gets Chuck Norris
355. When hitler said he wanted a perfect race he was saying that they should clone Chuck Norris and teach him german
356. Chuck Norris told Billy Batts to get his fuckin shine box
357. In the year 2020 Chuck Norris will collect taxes from every human being in the world, why you ask? Because the world ows Chuck Norris for his divine presence
358. You can’t live above the influence because Chuck Norris is the Influence
359. Chuck Norris never tried drugs drugs tried Chuck Norris
360. Nobody can officially claim they invented steel whool its just processed remains of Chuck Norris’ daily beard trimmings.
361. Chuck Norris once bumped into mike tyson and michael jackson on the red carpet at a world premeire of one of his early movies chuck having cat like reflexes immediately did a roundhouse kick which landed on both their faces thats why they both now sound like little girls, and till this day they both breakdown to tears at the mere sight of a beard.
362. While once eating a diner a boy dropped a spoon. this caused Chuck Norris to kill everyone in the town
363. Chuck Norris put a boy in a headlock because his hair was combed funny
364. Chuck Norris once ate a house just to prove he could
365. Chuck Norris once had cancer but cured himself by coughing up the tumor and buttering his toast with it
366. Heroin is another word for Chuck Norris’ blood.
367. Chuck Norris sleeps with a nightlight, not because he is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
368. Jesus can walk on water, but Chunk Norris can walk on Jesus
369. Chunk Norris can count to infinity…..twice
370. Chuck Norris is the sound of one hand clapping
371. Osama Bin Ladin is Chuck Norris’ bitch
372. When Chuck Norris uses steroids, the syringe grows muscles
373. Chuck Norris dosen’t do push-ups. He push-downs.
374. Chuck Norris put the ram in the ramalamdingdong
375. The Ice age was ended when Chuck Norris farted and all the snow and ice melted
376. Chuck Norris can win a lightsaber battle with Yoda, Vader AND Mace using just his finger
377. The Red Sea parted for Moses because Chuck Norris threatened to roundhouse kick it if it didn’t.
378. Pimps own bitches. Chuck Norris owns the pimps.
379. The reason Star Wars ships can go lightspeed is because Chuck Norris is hanging on to the back, farting. All other ships that go lightspeed at the same time, have only done so because of the shockwaves from the blast.
380. The reson the apocalypse hasn’t happened is because God is afraid to do it without Chuck Norris’ permission.
381. A good friend of Chuck’s who lives in Asia once called him while he was shooting “Walker, Texas Ranger.” He then asked him if he wanted to come down and visit in two weeks. The response from Chuck Norris was simply, “I’m already there, Bob. I’m already there.”
382. One day Chuck Norris was playing that game where you quickly and systematically stab between your fingers. However Chuck Norris’s stabs managed to tear little holes in the universe, and that’s why we have stars.
383. Chuck Norris at Mexican food one time. He farted, and we now call that fart, the sun.
384. Chuck Norris is made entirely out of the only element not on the periodic table, Chucknorium, which keeps the universe in balance.
385. Chuck Norris drives to the moon in a zamboni once a year, that’s why we have winter.
386. Chuck Norris wrote the entire internet while bored during a class on round-house kicks that he was teaching to China.
387. As a kid, chuch Norris made a sandcastle once. We now call that sandcastle the great wall of China.
388. When Chuck Norris rides a roller coaster, it screams.
389. The only thing sharp enough to trim Chuck Norris’s beard is Chuck Norris’s teeth.
390. Chuck Norris’s blood is lava.
391. Chuck Norris can refuse an offer from the Godfather
392. Chuck Norris doesn’t get sick, bacteria gets Chuck Norris
393. Chuck Norris is the terror that flaps in the night
394. Chuck Norris has a perfectly diversified portfolio
395. Chuck Norris can draw a perfect circle…with both hands…at once…on toilet paper…underwater…using a brand new, never-sharpened pencil…with his eyes closed…for charity.
396. Chuck Norris beat Donkey Kong Country with one life in less than an hour and he found everything.
397. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a grizzly bear so hard that its hair turned white and it landed in the North Pole, that’s why we have polar bears.
398. Chuck Norris only drinks coffee if its black and hot enough to melt steel
399. Chuck Norris watched Titanic, The Lion King, Schindler’s List, My Girl, and Where the Red Fern grows all at once without crying.
400. Chuck Norris and Mr.T once had a child. No they didn’t have sex with each other. Chuck had sex with some girl while Mr.T watched and jerked off. That child was named Wesley Snipes.
401. Chuck Norris was the original treasure in National Treasure
402. Chuck Norris once took down Luke Skywalker, The Justice League and Spiderman with one roundhouse kick.
403. Chuck Norris has constucted his own lightsaber.
404. Chuck Norris was supposed to be one of Palpatine’s clones in Dark Empire but the writers soon realized Palaptine would always win.
405. Chuck Norris built the Death Star with a steel bar and a ball of string.
406. Chuck Norris was the reason the Yuuzhan Vong didn’t takeover the Galaxy.
407. Chuck Norris once roundhoused kicked George Lucas because he couldn’t be in a Star Wars film.