From Sandstorming to Nestlé
UPDATE: Nestlé issues their response here
UPDATE: Nestlé sends me a cheque! here
Dear Email Reader,
I recently purchased a packet of your Nestlé Aero Minty Bubbles 12 Fun Pack from my local Woolworths, the fresh food makers’ supermarket. To my dismay as I eagerly bit into one of the sugary tasting bars expecting to find the sweet taste of aerated minty nougat, my taste buds were met with only the continuing dairy milk chocolate taste. The candy bar was solid chocolate all the way through!
In a state of shock I broke out into a cold sweat. Had I eaten a bar past its used by date? Could it have been batch number 666? I grabbed the wrapper from the depths of my pocket… “Best Before 25/JUN2006 51761012 11:46” The fault lay elsewhere. Did the person working the centre aerating thingamajig miss a bar?
In trying to solve this discrepancy myself, I noticed that the bars are in fact made in the United Kingdom, and thus not the fault of someone working under tough new IR laws in Australia. Obviously the bagger in Australia did not notice the bar without a yummy aerated centre. I am sure we will be able to resolve this catastrophe of biblical proportions (much like the time I had a Crunchie that didn’t crunch, the time when my Violet Crumble didn’t crumble, and the time my M&M’s had two ‘W’s instead.).
In an attempt to help you by identifying the site of the calamity I consulted the manufacturing process of the bars in question, and I quote…
“Aero bars are formed by a method involving chocolate in a liquid state on the verge of being chocolate. Air is run through the chocolate with a vacuum as it cools (in the form of many very small bubbles), resulting in evenly distributed bubbles throughout the bar and a honeycomb-like texture.”
Something during this process must have gone amiss. I noticed that Nestlé is now the the owner of Willy Wonka chocolate corporation. Having seen both the original movie, and the remake (the one with Johnny Depp playing a female version of Willy) I believe that I do have some knowledge in order to track down the source of this problem. Is it possible that an Oompa Loompa was borrowing the vacuum cleaner mentioned in the process whilst this particular bar was being carved to perfection? Could a fat kid have been stuck in the pipe that leads from the chocolate river to the aero crafting room? Or am I just the butt of some incredibly cruel practical joke from Mr. Arthur Slugworth (who I know frequently tries to steal the recipes of Mr Wonka)?
My half eaten Aero bar is currently sitting in my refrigerator awaiting your further instructions.
Awaiting the sweet taste of aerated mint once more,
johnsee and doc
(Emailed 18/01/2006)
UPDATE: Nestlé issues their response here
UPDATE: Nestlé sends me a cheque! here
Chaff said,
January 18, 2006 at 7:40 pm
You are very bad people. Good work.
Phil said,
January 18, 2006 at 11:09 pm
Haha,
Nice Johnsee & Doc…
I hope you get a reply, can’t say I’ve ever heard of a reply to letters like this from companies.
Drew said,
January 19, 2006 at 12:33 pm
im afraid your wit will be lost on the nestle complaints staff. horrid unfriendly beasts they are.
JaMiNkLe said,
January 19, 2006 at 12:42 pm
ahahaha I noticed that Nestlé is now the the owner of Willy Wonka chocolate corporation. you mad cunt
JuLz said,
January 19, 2006 at 10:58 pm
hopefully you score a massive box of Aero Choc - that’d be pro.
IanP56 said,
July 20, 2006 at 7:39 pm
Has Nestle not a single soul with a senbse of fun??? Yeh, accountants rule.
I would love to receive a complaint like this, imagine the carefully crafted sarcasm with which the writers obvious cataclasmic loss was contrasted and found to be greater than the boxing day tsunami or the efforts of Stalin and his mates. This could then have been followed with a 27 page legal agreement which once signed would lead to a partial refund calculated by reference to the number of calories the poor unfortunate was deprived of.