9 Reasons To Become an Evil Super Villain
UPDATE: Originally written by Zero here!
1. You will have more friends
Peter Parker was a social outcast. Norman Osborne was the popular kid. Reed Richards was a dorky scientist. Victor Von doom was a rich socialite. Anyone else sensing a pattern here? Everyone wants to get a little piece of the evil. It is like Starburst.
2. You get to laugh maniacally
Good guys don’t get to do this. No one has ever heard Superman or Batman laughing like a maniac and no one ever will. Trust me, this is something everyone wants to do. It is strangely liberating. While you may pass chances to do this every once in a while during your civilian life, you will never get the quantity of opportunities that come with a career in villainy.
3. All of a sudden, you will have the budget for all kinds of toys
Super bad guys are never broke. Not only are they never broke but they always have more resources than the hero could ever hope for. Apparently the villain racket pays very well. It also seems to be recession-proof. I hear the tax breaks are good too.
4. Hot chicks dig evil guys
You never see an evil villain with a busted ass woman. Sure, they may be dirty, rotten, and out to steal your empire, but you can always kill them if they get out of hand. Studies show that breasts of women who hang out with evil guys are an average of two cups bigger than the nice dudes chicks. Studies don’t ever lie.
5. You will be safe from everyday accidents
Evil villains are never killed in car accidents. It just doesn’t happen. You won’t slip in the shower, get smashed by a falling piano, or die of food poisoning. The only way you can be killed is in an explosion created by the hero by exposing the one flaw in your plan that no one could ever possibly foresee. Even then…
6. You don’t have to worry about anyone killing you
Evil Villains simply can not be killed. People may think you are dead but you will secretly be lounging in an easy chair on your secret desert island hideout planning your next caper. The only way you can be taken out is by another villain eviler than yourself who will subsequently take over your identity and continue upon your path of world domination.
7. You can kill anyone you want
You won’t go to jail. For some strange reason, cops never come to bust Evil villains at their homes even when the evidence is overwhelming. You could kill Superman on a live video feed in front of the entire planet and not one cop would try to arrest you. They can’t even arrest you for the stash of plutonium you have in your shed. It is in the charter when you join the union.
8. You get to dress how you want
You never have to wear a suit and tie again. You can even dress in the most outrageous outfits while demanding the world bow to your demands and no one will even make the slightest of snide comment. This could have something to do with the fact that you can kill anyone you want and can’t be killed back. Remember, no one ever made fun of Magnetos helmet…
9. No matter how weak you are, you will be more than a match for any hero facing you
“But zero, Batman would kick my ass in two shakes of a stripper’s ass…” None of that matters. The sheer newness of your evil plot will confuse the hell out of any good guy. As long as you aren’t doing something that has been done to death (ie goblin themed villains) you should have no problem getting your plans off the ground.
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EDIT: Appears to originally come from Shoutwire
midwestmusic said,
October 4, 2006 at 10:24 am
The good guy never wins. No matter if he saves everyone and really is handsome under those glasses everyone loves the super villian. My best bet is to go evil, I suppose, then I will be super cool.
myninjaplease » Blog Archive » 9 Reasons to Become an Evil Villain said,
October 5, 2006 at 5:53 am
[…] list at sandstorming […]
David said,
August 29, 2007 at 1:46 pm
Nice philosophy . I like it . That’s cool!!!!!!!
Simon said,
September 5, 2007 at 5:00 am
That is outrageouse! Lousy work.
Ady said,
September 14, 2007 at 5:24 am
Man I want to be evil…. good idea maybe i will form my on syndicate ^^,,,,, just kinding,,,but you have a good point ,,,, I salute you;))
dork said,
November 27, 2007 at 2:17 pm
Dumb asses! Evil wannabes, never goin do it
Evil guy (haha) said,
December 1, 2007 at 11:50 am
Dont forget another fact, even if one of your plans are foiled, you always have two other plans on the backburner that succed. I call it the trinity theory. Trust me.
Lurioso said,
December 19, 2007 at 12:10 am
Well, well, well! A theroy tha proclaims that the good guy can not win? Oh my!
Well take THAT! *ZaaP*
bobby said,
December 26, 2007 at 2:02 pm
Thats cool I will be a super villan when I grow up!!
Darth Kat_Kid15 said,
December 31, 2007 at 11:20 pm
Being “Good” sucks & EVIL rocks, plus it is a shure step to global dimination if you build up an army, eg. Stormtroopers, Nazis and Wal-Mart. Muuaaa Haaa Haaaa Haaaa Haaaaa Haaaa Haaaaa Haaaaa (cough)!!!!!!!!
Dave Hartmen said,
April 8, 2008 at 10:08 pm
i think you guys need to get a life this shit aint real!
Dave Hartmen is a retard said,
June 9, 2008 at 8:55 am
i think Dave Hartmen needs to lose his virginity
someone else said,
July 21, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Good guys, bad guys and explosions…
Good guys suck cause they spend all their time stopping people. Superheroes are never out there changing the world - they just spend their time stopping ‘villians’ from doing whatever it is the villian is doing. Admittedly most of the time a villian’s goals are self-serving, but between villians the superheroes aren’t proactively usign their powers for good - only reactively stopping other people from changing the world.
Damn conservative right-wing superhero killjoys.
cj said,
August 21, 2008 at 11:11 am
my name is t bor i need help findind something
Uncategorized world news » Blog Archive » 9 Reasons To Become an Evil Super Villain said,
August 26, 2008 at 7:19 pm
[…] 9 Tempting reasons why you should become a evil super villian read more | digg […]
The Stranger said,
February 11, 2009 at 8:13 pm
for SCIENCE!
killer said,
May 22, 2009 at 6:54 am
all of you are wasting you time on this website you should be out killing or planning or laughing maniacally!