1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
3. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
4. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
5. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
6. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
7. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
8. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”
9. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
10. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too.
11. You should not confuse your career with your life.
12. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.
13. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
14. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
15. Your true friends love you, anyway.
16. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
(Anyone know the source of this?)
You know the drill. Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for a significant other by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentines day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really do care for them more than any other. Now ladies, I’ll let you in on a little secret; guys really don’t enjoy this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret; guys feel left out. That’s right, there’s no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or too embarrassed to admit it.
Which is why a new holiday has been created.
March 14th is now officially “Steak and Blowjob Day”. Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you care for him.
No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town; the name of the holiday explains it all, just a steak and a BJ. Thats it. Finally, this twin pair of Valentine’s Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere try THAT much harder in February to ensure a memorable March 14th!
The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world. And, of course, steak and BJ’s.
1) “i’ve got good news and i’ve got bad news. bad news is, your cat’s dead. the good news is that i saved a lot on my car insurance.”
2) “hey, you’re out of milk, the chips are stale, your cats dead, and the light bulb in the bathroom needs to be changed.”
3) (when they walk into the apartment) *sniff* *sniff* “you smell dead cat??”
4) Leave a suicide note next to the cat with a finished bag of catnip mentioning how boring the sitter was.
5) “Are you still interested in those taxidermy classes?”
6) Get rid of the cat, draw a chalk out line, put up police tape all over the place, and act stupid.
7) “Will everyone with a live cat please step forward…..not so fast buddy.”
8) “you have a couple messages: your mom called, she wants you to call her back; your landlord said the rent is late; your cat said ‘bye’.”
9) (when he picks him up from the airport)
sitter: Let’s play a game….Dead or human?
owner: huh? ok.
sitter: you ?
sitter: me ?
sitter: your cat?
owner: huh ?!?!?
10) owner: thanks for watching the place. where are my keys ?
sitter: oh, they’re under your dead cat.