It began this morning. Computer glitches in the city of Denver started to slow down the voting process. There were reports of folks waiting over two hours in line to cast a vote. Democratic Party officials immediately asked a judge to extend the polls. “We need two more hours!” they said, and rightly so. Voting should not be a chore. Officials should indeed go out of their way to make sure that every vote is counted. It is the only way for the voice of the people to be heard.
The republicans do not see it that way. Especially in the largely liberal city of Denver. Just as quickly as the Democrats asked for an extra two hours, the Republicans opposed it. The judge agreed that she did not have the authority to extend polling hours.
This especially effects amendment 44, the initiative to legalize possession of under an ounce of marijuana. The vote count in the city of Denver, the largest city in Colorado, is integral to getting the percentage of votes needed to get this passed into law. Without a proper vote count in Denver, the chances of this law being put into effect are severely lowered.
The voice of the people is not going to be heard in this election. The Republicans do not want it to be heard simply because it is not in their best interests. They do not want every vote to be counted because they know they will lose on several key points. They are the enemies of the democratic system that we have in place. How else could one explain the fact that they do not want to see the polls remain open so that every voter has a chance to cast their ballot?
This has gone too far. When a political party opposes counting each and every vote in an election, especially the party that is in control of the current administration, the offense could be seen as nothing short of treason. These people should be tarred, feathered, and ran out of town.
Voting no longer works in this country. It hasn’t for years now, but today is the final straw. We can now be totally sure that we live in a dictatorship and not a democracy. America is now dead and it has been killed by the Republicans.
Today, we have another reason to be ashamed of our once great nation. The only way out, it seems, is all out revolution. Nothing else is working.
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1. Tyler Durden
Of course, what better way to start this list off than with the man who lives within us all? “I look how you want to look, I fuck how you want to fuck…” The thing about him is that he won’t kick your ass himself, he will convince you to do it for him. Not only that, but afterwards you will feel freer than you have ever felt in your life.
2. John McLain
This name was the answer given when Osama Bin Laden was asked what his worst fear was. Before we had homeland security, we had John McLain. He single-handedly thwarted every terrorist attempt on US soil from the late eighties to the early nineties, half the time without even having proper footwear.
3. James Bond
There is only one Bond and his name is Connery. This guy could show up in your country, sleep with all your women, kill them along with all your henchmen, destroy your plans to dominate the world, blow up your hideout, and drink all your martinis before you could utter the phrase “Shaken, not stirred.”
4. Brock Sampson
If you are unfamiliar with the Venture Bros., you may not know this name. That is cool because Brock doesn’t give a shit what you know. He is too busy killing ninjas and ghost pirates to care what a bunch of net nerds think. Whatever you do, just don’t try to tell him where he can and can’t camp.
5. Obi Wan Kenobi
He may not be the most powerful Jedi, but on any given day he can triumph in a battle. He is like the wildcard. Whether his opponent is Darth Maul, Darth Vader, or just a super crazy Jedi-killing machine, he can pull out the win. Obi is the underdog that too many villains have taken lightly and ended up either cut in half or burned beyond recognition.
6. Achilles
“Does he think he will take the beach of Troy with 30 men?” Yes, yes he does. Actually, he would do it himself if he didn’t care enough about his men to get them a decent kill count as well. Gold statues of sun gods do not scare him, and neither do kings who are to full of themselves to realize who the real winner is in a battle. Bonus points awarded for killing the bitch ass Hector.
7. Batman
You can not defeat the bat. Not even if you have super powers and he does not. One might argue that he is nothing without his toys, but don’t let him hear you say that. He might just drop his utility belt and punch you in the face so hard your future kids will be born knocked the fuck out
8. Wolverine
This is the most homicidal little ball of hair you will ever see in your life. This one is bad ass not only because of his killing abilities, but also his ability to take pain. Everything he does hurts. Bad. Imagine having your flesh ripped open by three sharp knives every time you want to open a beer. Logan doesn’t even blink an eye. He actually enjoys it.
9. Red Foreman
“I may be the only man in this room who has actually killed a guy.” The thing about Red was that he never had to kick anyone’s ass. A look was enough to shiver the timbers of the even most seasoned pirate. A police officer once pulled Red over. Red let him off with a warning. It doesn’t get any more bad ass than that.
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First of all, I am totally serious about this. Well, I may not be totally serious about anything, but that is neither here nor there. I may not be a politician, but that’s cool. This just means I am not a liar by nature. I see things wrong with my country that can be fixed so easily. If no one else will stand up, I will. You can count me as an enemy combatant right now, Mr. Bush, because I represent not only America, but the rest of the world as well. We are all sick of the way America is going and we hate you.
As of right now, I am running as a write-in candidate. I will not now, nor anytime in the future, accept a nomination from any party. Political parties are part of the problem. I’m running on behalf of the people.
Here is a sample of my stance on some important issues.
Foreign Policy:
Under my administration, US troops will not be sent to foreign countries to do combat. I will not send our boys to die on foreign soil. We will officially take a hands-off policy when it comes to foreign problems. We will only use force when absolutely every avenue of diplomacy is exhausted, and then only when the threat to our soil is clear and present. This does not mean that a country might have folks who would do harm to us. People will be free to hate us. It is their right as it is our right to hate them. If Iraq falls into civil war, I’m sorry, but we got worse problems right here.
Homelessness:
It is a god damn shame we can not take care of our own people. I would institute a new tax on the rich called the “homeless tax”. If you make over 100,000 a year, you can afford to give less than one percent to this program. The money would be used to build affordable housing, create new jobs, and help those in need. Welfare recipients would be placed under close scrutiny. Their children would be taken away if they are deemed to be “Welfare Moms”. Child care would be made available and affordable for all.
Education:
This is the most important of all issues. Our children should be the best educated in the world. I would see to it that every child in this country was offered the same caliber of education as any other child anywhere in the world. Money would be no object. This is our future that is on the line here. We can not take that lightly.
Health Care:
Our health care system is screwed up and needs to be redone. I would use the models of certain successful European countries to assure everyone can afford to visit a doctor if they need to. I believe this to be a basic human right. Privatized hospitals would be subject to massive fines and a new set of rules that would make it nearly unthinkable to deny anyone care under any circumstances.
Police Policy:
I would vigorously prosecute any police officer found to be abusing his privileges. Too many officers these days walk around with a “John Wayne” attitude. This must be stopped. This is a major problem in our society. Every officer would be subject to a review every six months. For good service, they will be rewarded with money. For bad service, they would be punished with a good old fashioned pink slip.
Homeland Security:
There will be no more spying on American Citizens. The fear has gone too far. There will be no more terror alerts. Suspected terrorists who are captured will be treated the same as anyone else who goes to jail in this country. They will receive their due process. This is the thing that separates us from barbarians. We will not sacrifice freedom for security.
Immigration:
Every immigrant will get his or her chance to enter the country. They must have a working knowledge of the English language, some sort of skill, and not be sex offender. Any illegals found to be living in this country that do not fill those simple requirements will have their assets seized and sold in order to purchase plane tickets back to their country of origin. Any left over funds will go to educating our youth. Yes, it may be true that our country will be flooded. That is ok. We have plenty of room. If it turns out that we don’t, we will just build more. This can only help our economy.
Civil Rights:
Racism will not be tolerated in any way. Everyone will be given a fair shake regardless of their race, national heritage, sexual orientation, religion, or any other aspect of their lives that may be different from the norm. Affirmative action will be destroyed. The best person for the job will indeed be the one who is hired. A special task force will be formed to enforce this. Employers will lose their business licenses if they do not comply. Also, if you are a member of the KKK and also happen to be the sheriff of even the smallest town, you can bet you will not keep your job for too long.
At this point, you may be asking “Where will the money come from?” It is simple. It is already there. We spend too much money on bullshit. There will be no more thousand dollar toilet seats. If I find out someone signed a contract to buy anything at a ridiculous price, I will kick their asses myself.
Most of all, above everything else, I will not be afraid to admit that I am wrong., If a better plan comes up, I will take it in a second. My ego will always come after the general welfare of my people. More will be posted on this in the future as it develops.
Vote Zero in 08. I can’t fuck this country up anymore than the last bunch of presidents we have had.
*That is the official slogan*
1 Comment
1. Interstellar Bounty Hunter
While it is true that bounty hunters do not usually get wookies, there are plenty of other perks to this job. You get to fly through space at insane rates of speed hunting down strange alien criminals and bitch slapping Jedis. Now tell me, in what other profession would you be allowed to bitch slap a Jedi?
2. Evil Super Villain
We all know you get the castle and cool toys, as well as the ever popular laughing manically thing, but what I did not mention before is that you also get to be infamous. If the great Chevy Chase taught us anything, it is that being infamous is ten times better than being famous.
3. Super Bowl QB
You do not even have to be good, just have a decent defense. Anyone can do this job, even a bag boy at your local supermarket. Unlike the other positions listed here, you only have to do this once and you will be guaranteed pussy for life and free beers at nearly any bar you visit.
4. Rock Star
Cocaine, fast women, and loud music; what more could any guy ask for? Want free reign to set fire to motel rooms? You got it. M&M’s of only the blue variety? Sure. Do you like to stick bottles in the orifices of prostitutes? Stick away.
5. Outlaw
You will have your picture in banks everywhere under the much sought after “Wanted” heading. Women will love you even though you do not love them and allow you to hide out in their houses for as long as it takes for the fuzz to stop looking for you. You also get guns. A lot of guns. .
6. Super Computer Hacker
You will be the god of the World Wide Web, ruler of all that is DOS, and champion of nerds everywhere. No piece of electronic equipment is safe from your skills. Also, if you are lucky, Halle Berry will show you her tits.
7. Mob Boss
You get to “kneecap” people who disagree with you and eat pasta all day. You also get to use cool phrases like “I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!”
8. General of a Big Ass Army
This position allows you the opportunity to say cool lines like “Everyone fights, no one quits. If you quit, I’ll kill you myself.” The heads of your enemies will grace poles outside your tent. This is actually the only profession that allows you to do that without some liberal tree hugger somewhere getting all butt hurt.
9. Porn Star
I know, a lot of guys in the industry say this isn’t all it is cracked up to be. Those guys are liars. I mean, really, your job is to scrog hot chicks like the dirty sluts they are. It is not like you are transporting heavy furniture. Bonus: cheesy porn music follows you around everywhere you go.
10. Pirate
Sail the seven seas, call your enemies scurvy dogs, and get free music off the internet. Did a wench diss you during your last inland raid? Make that hooker walk the plank. While the eye patch may be completely optional, the bottle of rum is not. You also get a cool pirate name such as the Dread Pirate Roberts, even if your name is not Roberts.
11. Rogue Ninja
Choosing this career over the others means you get the coolest outfit. Trust me, chicks go mad wild for a man in black. You will get a vast array of weapons that can kill a man without so much as the sound of his body dropping. Although this job does not allow for cool catch phrases, it is always better to do your killing in a silent manner.
12. Rogue Pirate Ninja
This is the coolest profession of all time. You get the coolest costume, the best catch phrases, and women at every port. All of the perks from each profession is involved and none of the drawbacks. Other pirates and ninjas will fear your mad skills. Not even a Jedi master is a match for the prowess and drunken quietness of one who has reached the level of Rogue Pirate Ninja.
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There was a time, not too long ago, when I was a staunch supporter of the American way. Yes, I admit it; I was one of the flag-waving idiots who blindly pledged their support after seeing what I believed to be a foreign entity smash a couple of buildings and kill thousands of my fellow countrymen. Doom on me. However, I wasn’t alone.
I, like millions of others, was suffering from a disease called “Patriotism”. We were the unknowing victims of propaganda. Extreme thoughts began to come to the forefront of everyday conversation. “Let’s annex Mexico and Canada, nuke the Middle East, and build a wall around our borders!’ Otherwise civil and intelligent people were making crazy proposals. The brainwashing of the American people was very nearly a complete success.
It was wrong. It was all wrong.
It is funny how hindsight is always 20/20. In the days after 9-11 our country became a plethora of raving lunatics. Not only were we pledging support to our monkey of a commander, but we were also giving our money without question to anyone on the street corner with a fireman’s boot and a sign. We proudly sent our young soldiers halfway across the world to die in the desert in the name of all that was red, white, and blue.
Somehow we ended up in Iraq. “A few weeks,” they said, “and we will leave the banks of the Tigris and Euphrates triumphant!” They promised us we would not have another Vietnam on our hands. For a short period of time, a lot of us forgot that politicians lie. We were still drunk from the fear and anger of 9-11. “Kill them all!” we screamed, while stumbling around looking for a couch to call home. The hangover would rear its ugly head all too soon.
The Patriot act. “In order to protect freedom we must take it away!” With that, George W. Bush became our dictator, whether we liked it or not. Sure, it was supposed to be repealed as soon as we were out of danger, but the people who created it knew something we didn’t; we would never be out of danger. There will always be someone who hates us. If not, they could always make someone up.
Abu Ghraib. They say a picture is worth a thousand words; well, these pictures were worth millions of them. We were no longer liberators in the eyes of the world; instead we had become worse than the ravenous dogs we replaced. No self-respecting American could see those pictures and still hold his head high. The patriotism party had officially ended. “Welcome to the Republic”, the signposts read.
It didn’t stop there. For a while, it seemed as if every other week we were learning some new and interesting fact. Bush had a domestic spying program, Cheney was trigger happy, and Michael Moore ate too many big Macs. If one did not know better, one might have thought civil war was imminent. However, change was not to come. Bush stole his second election in four years as Americans carelessly watched football and drank beer.
Now we find ourselves at the end of 2006. A nuclear war with North Korea looms in the not so distant future. Our way of life is about to end. Our train has just about reached its station. Those of us who are spared will be left to defend what once was a really good idea that turned foul in the blink of an eye.
This is the land in which we killed Kennedy but let Bush live. For that alone we deserve to burn.
Note: I have no intention to do any harm to Bush. However, I would like to see him get kicked in the ass.
1 Comment
1. The Bob Dole
Before all is said and done, I will make this one famous. All credit for this must go to the man who created it, for now he shall be known only as “Maples”. I described this tactic once before. Wait until the woman is a few seconds away from an orgasm, stop, look her straight in the eye, and say in a low tone “Bob Dole”. This never fails to end a relationship.
2. The Ninja Scream
This is done mid-sex. As soon as things get hot and heavy and the girl is getting into it, start pounding her as hard as you can and scream out “NINJA! IM A NINJA!” Immediately after you say this, jump up and start fake fighting an imaginary foe.
3. Yo Querro Taco Bell
This one is done while you are eating the pussy. Again, you must wait until she is all hot. The trick to this one is getting that first little scream. You must then stop, look at her and wait for her to look back, smile, and say “Yo querro Taco Bell.” You must then continue on like nothing happened.
4. The “Dwayne Johnson”
The great one himself inspired this one. Here is the deal: while in mid stroke, say in a manly voice, “You like this? Want more?” She will start to respond. As soon as she opens up her mouth to say something, cut her off in a loud voice and shout “It doesn’t matter!”
5. The Primus
You can only pull this one off if your name is not Mud. This one differs from the others also in the fact that it is done right after sex. While you are both basking in the goodness that is the few minutes after sex, tell her your name is Mud using your best Primus voice. When she looks at you funny, continue to go through the rest of the lyrics to the song until she gives up and leaves.
6. Screaming your own name
The key to doing this one right is to wait until she says your name. As soon as she does this, say “Yeah, ZERO! Fucking ZERO! YOU ROCK!” Substitute my name for your own.
7. The “Chas”
This can be pulled off at any time during intercourse. You have to be all into it then all of a sudden get an annoyed look on your face and scream out in the direction of the nearest room, “MOM! MEATLOAF!” Go back to fucking her for a second then get an even more annoyed look and scream it again.
8. The “Jesus”
This must be done during the more intimate moments. You know, when she is looking you in the eye with that sweet, chick-like, I-love-you look. Slow things down a bit, stare at her back, and in a girly voice sing “Jesus loves the little children…”
9. The “Arnold”
While “Get to the chopper, NOW!” is the best, any of Arnolds catch phrases may be used. In order to make this funny, you must kind of sound like Arnold when you are doing it. Another good one to use is “So, you cook up a story and toss the six of us in a meat grinder?”
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