The voice of the voices in my head: 10/24/2004

I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: he's
running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've been really
p*$$ed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street.
Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me
queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me,
but so far I haven't been able to discover what.

I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's
got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is. As for Mr Patel, don't
ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources - that he is, in
reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that if
we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one. Some of my neighbours
say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police? But that's simply
ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidence of a crime with
which to charge my neighbours. They'll come up with endless red tape and
quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the
while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to
me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people.

Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic
firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently
that's been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made it
clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade
in and do whatever I want!

And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq
is the only way to bring about international peace and security. The one
certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the
US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never threatened
us. That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife and
children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us
in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way.

Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is that
Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction
- even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification
for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing
Iraq. Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by
eliminating
'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a clever long-term aim because
how can you ever know when you've achieved it?

How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every single
terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's
committed an act of terror.

What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to
eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers,
have already eliminated themselves. Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out
everyone
who could possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's
achieved his objective until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then
some moderate Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only
really safe thing to do would be for Mr Bush to eliminate all Muslims?

It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip of the
iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I don't like
and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will really safe
until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might be going too far but I
tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of the United
States. That shuts her up.

Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough reason
for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole
street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over all
aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar
terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say
'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come. It's just
as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in contrast to what
he's intending, my policy will destroy only one street."

A letter to the London Observer from Terry Jones (yes, of Monty Python
fame).

Friday, October 29, 2004

CAM Awards

Monday, October 25, 2004

A letter to the London Observer from Terry Jones